never do have titles.... dont wanna use a line from the song... idk.

SO FIRST OFF RIGHT? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SUNSHINE? ( Yes, that's what I decided on in terms of a pet name for you... [holds pillow tight] )

So anyway I wake up right? Not a wake up person anyway, ( I say that cuz the way I have no schedule I might wake in the evening so I can't call it not being a morning person... ) So I immediately notice the young frozen jumping bean, interested in breakfast. Not too bothered cuz if I go to hell it damn sure ain't gonna be cuz I forgot to wash out a uniform and he ain't go to school. He'll do some work out his workbook, read some books, and eventually sleep cuz i wont let him watch t.v. But w/e you know? Honestly if anyone is a detriment to him it's the fact that his school has him coloring and cutting out shapes, when he can friggin read! ( his homework even says I should write the answers he gives me, and he can write! ) The speed with which our minds move looks sumpin like an attention disorder. It's not tho, it's that u thinking so fast that you solved the problem but was onto the next before u put the solution into effect. See his daddy had a co-d, and BYRD-O is soooo not me. Depending on who you ask, for better or worse, ( my opinion? he was sooo better.. ) but we different. Fundementally in fact. Having a Co-d did sumpin to him, much like not having one, did sumpin equally lifeshaping yet different to me. See he grew up thinking that there was a particular alliance he could make, to change the adverse effects of starting out a dope boy. In the end he decided that the trust of that type of alliance, doesn't exist in this world. Whether because of the bad energy he put out or not, he never found it and decided it just plain doesn't exist. In the end he ended up being affiliated with people because when ur standard for alliance is that high u figure ur not gonna find it u associate with some unscrupulous folk. Me though? I decided early for no reason other than it was one of my very first opinions to distrust the world. My take or adaptation to the intelligence my sibling's and I share with our collective early experience's was " fuck you, you, you, you, you, you coulda been cool but since I said fuck you to errybody else I might as well be an equal oppertunity fuck you provider... The world didn't make friggin sense to me, and I don't mean that way that teenagers misunderstand the world cuz they high or in love or just depressed. I mean in the sense that I saw defeat before I saw success. Before I ever succeded or failed at anything, before I even tried to... Getting straight A's simply to keep teachers out my face. Gaming hoes cuz I could, slinging dope cuz I could do it better than the dope boys. So much the mobster. Less the gangster, but with so much disdain for life and the "Human problem" that you should really stay out my way. Now I've seen me grow from distrusting and waging war on the entire world, to having the notion that I could become a real kingpin, not just that guy in the hood throwing block parties... sho nuff Frank Lucas. Then on to thinking I could bring pimping back to the east coast all cuz since I distrusted
everyone and everything, thinking if I fuck you first w/e u do from here is getback. Nowadays I trust everyone. I'm also no where near who I could be. Not that I wanna be anything else, but, that's just my point. What happened to being mad I wasn't what I could be? Even if illegal kingpin was a lofty dream. So striking me from the pool of people he'll grow up to be sumpin like.
Insane thing is I know his daddy don't want him to be like him either... Didn't want me to hustle, but I looked at it thru them distrustful ass lenses and it looked like he called the police on my dopehole cuz we was doing better than him. When actually, he just wanted to scare me into the straight and narrow... The other very large point is that the way to get to where am who I am ain't the one he on, and yet I still fear it'll be my fault if he ends up like his father. I mean he's the one that had a Co-d, complained when left alone. He's not gonna be me from watching me, but I feel like there's sumpin else I could do to keep him from thinking that there's a friend out there that's gonna make shit better cuz it ain't. Love don't even heal all. The happiest married ppl in the world will tell you that...
Meanwhile,
all he wants is a snack.....
and I realize that his daddy was like brother, father, friend and mother to me... and I start to feel lonely and cold.